In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
