I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
