The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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