No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
