What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
