you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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