You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
