i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize