I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
