dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
