it's too hot outside to masturbate.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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