i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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