I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
