I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
