she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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