my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
