Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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