Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
