a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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