There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
