I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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