She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
