my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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