I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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