I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
