Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
