she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
