Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You were trust falling into bushes
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
