Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
