Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
