sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
