your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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