Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
