I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
