That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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