I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
