i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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