i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
