dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
