So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
