I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
