Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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