He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
