i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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