I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
