I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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