Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
