so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
