I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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