Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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