I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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