sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
