direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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