I accidentally had phone sex last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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