Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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