i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
