WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
