Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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